Mani Masood
Why spend your precious dollars going to the local zoo to look for different species?
You can go type-spotting in the comfort of air conditioning at your very own office zoo and you’ll see plenty to note down in your scrapbook.
Here’s a quick guide.
The greater desk sloth
The characteristics that define this creature are that, apart from the odd comfort break, they’ll never leave their desk.
You’ll even see them eating lunch at their desk, having cunningly hidden it previously in a desk drawer.
Scientists used to think that the desk sloth’s behavior was attributable to, er, sloth but the latest studies have shown that it’s a form of self-preservation tactic based upon fear.
What’s now known is that they stick to their territory (desk) due to the worry that if they leave it, they’ll be fired and someone else will move into it.
The corporate pilot fish (The CPL)
This is a charming species and one that’s easily spotted.
All you need to do is look for one of the really big Exec Whales, slowly making their way along the main Currents of Power – you can find those currents swirling around the Great Executive Reef. You’ll spot these big creatures easily because there are plenty of them and they’re not even remotely close to being on the endangered species list.
Inevitably, one or more of the CPL will be following in the big whale’s wake, desperately trying to ‘get noticed’ and be of service on some trivial task or another.
Their formal academic name is, “the sycophant”.
The Glitter Fox
This creature appears to change its coat every day and invariably is the most attractive of the many species in the corporate zoo.
Scientists have been studying them for decades but are still undecided what evolutionary purpose they serve, as they don’t appear to engage in any sort of behavior at all other than to demonstrate their pristine appearance in various prime spots at key times.
Mathematicians are also interested in this species, as nobody yet understands how their income enables them to afford such regular and expensive changes of their coat.
The Neck-Stretching Crane
A truly fascinating creature, they appear only when all the species of the corporate zoo get together at some sort of event.
The neck-stretcher isn’t easy to spot because on the surface they look like any other species. Their defining behavior can only really be observed when you try to talk to them. That’s when you’ll see them stretching their neck upwards and sideways to try and look around you to spot their prey.
Their prey is just about anyone who is more important than you in the zoo’s hierarchy. When they lock onto their target, they’ll usually dump you in a second and move on.
Genetically closely related to the Corporate Pilot Fish, if you stand back you’ll watch them effortlessly move through the herd, working their way up, until they reach the queue of other Neck-Stretchers patiently waiting for their 2-minute opportunity to bask in the warm rays of the Chief Exec’s attention and pretend smile.
As far as can be ascertained by study, that occasional 2-minute bask is their only objective in life.
The Jabber Ape
These are one of the commonest creatures in the zoo. They can talk without pausing for breath and for a seemingly infinite amount of time.
What’s even more impressive is that they can do so in huge detail and on any subject in existence.
Linguistic and semantic analysis though has shown that much of their verbal output is meaningless and ill-informed – perhaps roughly at the same content level as that of a parrot. It’s presumed though that this behavior is another survival trait, as they try to show that they know things and must, therefore, be very valuable to the herd.
The camouflage shark
This is one of the nastiest predators you’ll come across.
What makes them dangerous is that they have the ability to masquerade as just about any other species. They use camouflage in the form of flattery, humor, camaraderie and fake declarations of good-intent, in order to make themselves appear to be a regular herd member.
However, having secured the confidence of their prey, at the first opportunity they’ll strike. That involves things like deliberately highlighting a problem or taking the credit for another herd member’s achievements. These things are usually achieved through vigorous predatory displays designed to attract the attention of any Exec Whales in the vicinity.
Scientists now know that these sharks almost invariably mutate over time into Exec Whales.
The Exec Whale
The final word must be reserved for the most prestigious of the zoo’s species.
Existing in huge numbers, they’re majestic to behold as they sweep by.
Some are harmless and appear to do nothing as they fin around the Great Executive Reef. That sub-species are only a problem when they accidentally squash other species around them as they go past with their huge egos.
Some Exec Whales are a little more motivated and try to do things. They’re more dangerous, as their activities usually put at risk the environment of other species in the zoo – though some argue that the whales aren’t aware of the existence of other species at all.
The most dangerous aspects of Exec Whales is that, while feeding on the plentiful supplies of the cash and benefits kelp fields on the Great Executive Reef, they accidentally let crumbs drop from their mouths. This encourages the breeding and proliferation of the far more dangerous camouflage sharks.
So, have fun next time you’re at the office zoo!
Mani
